Thoughts From The Void


Fear is something I prefer to look at directly in the face. This can be a good thing or a not-so-great thing, depending on the nature of the situation. There was a time when protection was something I obsessed over. Trauma put me there. Bringing balance to this dis-harmony was no easy task. My journey has brought me to the idea that maintaining a strong sense of self is something I must promote. I feel this way because the title of this article is an outright lie. There is plenty to be afraid of, however, I do not think fear should rule us. I do think we should be very aware of fear though. I believe we should be honest about it. If we are fully aware, it would be unreasonable for us to hold no fear. Delusion or indifference prevents fear. The fantasy that no harm could ever come to us, thinking we understand all things, or a complete lack of caring; are the only ways I see that fear would never play a role in our lives. Some might say strong faith prevents fear. I feel this is an incomplete thought. To harness faith is to recognize fear. I think the meaning of fear is where the miscommunication happens. Fear is healthy. Fear is our outer defenses kicking in. The negative connotation that we place on fear and how we face it are where the issues lie.

You can’t have good without the bad.

Discussing the scary side of spirit is something we don’t do. Only in horror movies do we entertain this idea. The reality is it is just too much to really embrace. It is too overwhelming to be true. The topic makes people feel powerless. We don’t like that feeling. We don’t like things we can’t explain, especially when they cause a negative reaction within ourselves. This makes sense but this way of thinking causes more harm than good. You can pretend you don’t have termites, but at some point, if tiny bugs are eating your home, you will have to deal with it. Not everyone has termites. Not everyone will have to find a solution to that problem. Just because your home has no pest problem doesn’t mean that no one in the world has to face that issue. This is exactly the same as issues with spirit. Some people go about their lives and never notice the bugs around them. Some people enjoy the beauty of butterflies and praying mantis. Other people are plagued with spiders and termites. One person’s experience will never negate the individual experience of someone else. Let’s try to keep that in mind.

I am going to talk about this in the most genuine way I can. I don’t intend to frighten anyone, so my thoughts won’t be completely resolved by the end of this article. I have to take baby steps in sharing. The thing is, if I am to speak openly about my spiritual experiences going forward, I have to talk about the scary stuff. A large chunk of my experience comes from this side of spirit. There will be those who will shrug it off as though I am just crazy or even weak and say that is why I hold fear. This is the flaw with our perception of fear. Fear is not weakness, often fear is the result of over-awareness. When we see and accept that things have a strong chance of not working out in our favor; that there is more than we can understand working behind the scenes of our everyday lives, it is not possible to hold no fear. Like I said, fear is healthy. It is our alert system. I can be terrified but still stand tall. This is the essence of bravery. When I say fear, I do not mean crying in the corner – although believe me, I have been there. I have been stuck in that “Oh shit, what is going on?” moment filled with despair and confusion with nowhere to turn for answers. I have been there more times than I can count. I have crawled out of that void only to stumble and fall right back in again. When I say fear, I mean the acknowledgment that things can go wrong. That there is true evil in the world. This alert goes off when we must harness our strength. When we must stand tall, even when we feel we should retreat. This is what I mean when I say I hold fear. That fear will never leave me. It will always be there. When it comes, I stand tall every single time. Fear is not weakness but pretending there is no reason to fear only means something evades our perception.

There are no experts when it comes to spirit.

I can only tell you things from my perception. I am not an expert. No one is an expert when it comes to spirit. My experiences have shown me this time and time again. My lessons have come the hard way. This is what I needed I suppose. Not all experiences with spirit will be scary. Not all spirit holds malice. I feel most (not all) are capable of it though – just like people. When I accepted spirit, when I stopped pretending it wasn’t a thing, it seemed like I had to choose; either spirit was all good or the demons of the world should all be feared. This was not helpful for me. There was no middle ground. One side insisted you should never be afraid. If you want protection, you can’t be afraid. “Don’t feed it”, they would say. The other side would almost reject the idea that anything in spirit could be less than positive. Neither of these held truth for me. Neither side helped me navigate my very overactive clair-senses. This left me helpless. I know I am not the only person who doesn’t feel right about either side. I want to illuminate the middle ground here. Yes, you should be afraid. There are things in spirit beyond our comprehension that will fuck your shit up if they want to. Excuse the language, but there really is no other way to get that point across. They can shock your world far worse than the surprise of those naughty little offensive words. I promise. Knowing that to be a truth, I also know there are those in spirit who will work to raise you up. Neither one owns more power over your energy than you do. This was my flaw. This was where I eventually found strength in my fear. Both sides can and do influence us. Either side can help or hurt. Sometimes the “bad guys” do good things, and sometimes the “good guys” do bad things. There is no set rule here that I have found. I have seen that neither side is stronger than we are. We are all equal. We just don’t always believe that.

This is not easy stuff to talk about

People know I get down with “weird spiritual stuff”. I talk about it freely because I prefer not to hide anything. I feel if you are always forthcoming with the things that are on your mind you have better odds of finding allies. Life is hard, I like to up my odds whenever possible. Every so often someone will come to me with a “spiritual” experience. I will try to understand the situation but most of the time it is not through listening to their words. Sometimes when someone starts to recount an event, I see it in my mind. I experience it.

Take care of your physical body first!

I will pause to say that all visions, hallucinations, or altered perceptions should always be investigated by a physician. I have had more brain scans and doctor’s visits than I can count. So far, they claim there is no reason for the things I experience. As of today, I am still considered to be of sound mind. Still, every time I get some new or unusual “symptoms” I consult a medical professional. This is because issues of spirit and physical wellness often overlap. We are physical people so we must care for our physical bodies first.

Please know that discussing my experiences publicly is something that triggers that fear defense we all have. I am going to go ahead and stand tall here and discuss them anyway. Baby steps though because this is not easy stuff to talk about.

Where do my beliefs come from?

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, I feel I must share some details on how I have come to my beliefs on spirit. If I don’t, I suppose I could just be some random lady on the internet talking theoretical ideas that have no basis in my reality. I believe with all I have that spirit is real. I didn’t have a confusing experience one time and seek to have more. I don’t simply take signs from numbers on the clock or feathers on the ground. There is no trendy topic I embrace to be a part of any crowd. I don’t just feel like there has to be something more. I wasn’t told spirit was real and believe it because it is inspiring. Spirit is involved in every moment of my day unless I can manage to actually center and ground myself; then spirit fades to the background a bit – but spirit is still omnipresent. I don’t have a strong belief in spirit because I want to believe in something I can’t “see”. I have an unwavering knowing that spirit is real because I have been shown in unavoidable fashion that it is. I needed that for whatever reason. This is not so I can do anything for anyone else. I needed it. My lessons couldn’t come without that knowing. My proof may not be your proof, but someone’s lack of proof surely doesn’t negate my personal proof either. You do not have to believe me. Take what I say as fiction if that is better for you. Should the time come when my words must ring true, spirit will facilitate that. This I have no doubt.

Going forward in this series of posts, try to remember that my experiences are things I have actually lived. Things that are so confusing and defied what I knew to be possible. Things that shake your reality in a way that changes who you are as a human. When these things happen, there is no place to turn. Church is hypothetical belief most of the time and as long as you have faith in God you are safe; doctors can’t medicate spirit away; and most people do not accept troubles of spirit as part of reality. Even the people who do “believe in that stuff”, are not true allies for an “awakening”. Everyone will make you feel absolutely alone. Just you and spirit. This there are no words for. The real world continues on as the world of spirit is made clear to you. You must remain not only functional, but we are expected to flourish in the “real world”. People don’t have compassion for the struggle they can’t see in others. When we are dealing with the nightmares that lurk not only in the shadows or abandoned houses, the terrors that are a part of spirit and as such are also omnipresent, the simple act of standing seems like an insurmountable challenge.

The thoughts I always share here at Out of the Void, all come from my interactions with spirit. When I suggest methods of protection, these are not tips I read somewhere or “maybe you can try this” type of thoughts. The things I mention are what I have found help me when I am alone standing face to face with spirit. The term spirit encompasses all things in spirit. Every bit of lore that is floating around in the world is born out of some energy that was encountered by someone. In my experience, if the character in the lore has a name, it is a real energy – a real “spirit”. Should your paths cross with one of the stars of the scary stories of antiquity, Pinterest tips will usually do you no good. Strength of self is pretty much always what I have had to fall back on.

It is common that if we share our experiences with others, people’s first response is often that of excitement. As though they are a part of a movie for a moment. Like a fun type of pretend play. The clair-senses are not cool parlor tricks. They are not exciting “powers” that make us special. When they amplify, they are your soul forcing you to be aware. Over-awareness is where we find true fear. True fear will never be entertaining. I try to share my experiences not just to help others. I am not on a quest to prove anything or help anyone. While I do hope my words give someone else strength, I share my experiences because they are my truth. They are my stories. They are where my information comes from. Sharing it all helps me heal and grow. My experiences are for me, but the lack of openness this world has when it comes to spirit is something I would like to change. I want the world to know it is okay to talk about spirit. To share their personal experiences. If we do this, we find more connects us than separates us. I share my experiences because they are where my beliefs come from. This is me citing my sources. I make items every day to help others navigate their own troubles of spirit. I believe in what I do. I believe it is helpful. I know it brings me balance. If I am to embrace spirit, if I am to blend the physical with the energetic, I can’t deny the events that brought me to this moment. Still, since I am of sound mind, my trips down memory lane will always set off my fear response. If my words are difficult to take in, take them the same as you would someone talking about a church service. We are talking about the same things. A connection to spirit. It is a thousand percent no different. Spirit isn’t hiding in certain buildings or with “holy” people. Spirit can be found everywhere and if I am to believe that, promote that, craft items that help others embrace that; I have to be willing to talk about it. This makes me afraid, but I will do it anyway.

An “Awakening” is the understanding of true despair.

When the situation calls for it, I do get visions. These are more than imagined scenes like we might get while reading a book. Everything else fades. The sound of the person’s voice vanishes, the room in front of me transforms to the moment we are discussing. It’s as though I am transported somewhere else. I experience the event the person is talking about as though I am present while it is happening. The gaps of the details get filled in. The feeling in the air, the smells, the shifts of light, the flow of energy, all intentions, all energy, the emotional roller coaster that is the experience are all things that come to my awareness. Almost like a dream that I participate in and am fully aware of. I know this is not my memory. I know I did not live this moment. I know it is not the moment my physical self is in. Even knowing that it becomes a challenge to not become consumed by it. I feel everything as though it is very real. Details that are not shared with me are revealed and often the influencing energy can be seen. This is one way my senses manifest. It is very confusing, especially when this is not done intentionally. Most of the time I can control this bizarre manifestation of my clair-senses, but there was a time when I simply could not.

When I first noticed this, I had no idea what was happening. Looking back, it has always happened, it just gained intensity when I accepted spirit was real. No one had answers for me. It was just me and the chaos. I could either fight to regain some kind of balance or become consumed and lost in the world of spirit. Believe me when I say, I wished someone could brand me as a certain kind of crazy. It would make this new world I was experiencing far less frightening. There was no help, no relief; no doctor, shaman, medium, or priest could provide me with assistance. I consulted everyone. I searched every faith, every avenue, someone somewhere had to have my answers. The only places I could turn to find my answers were myself and spirit.

There were a select few allies in spirit I found and one unfaltering friend across the ocean who seemed to grasp what I was going through because she went through something similar. I struggled with how no one could understand. I needed someone to understand. I needed someone to outline what was happening to me. She insisted that no one will ever fully understand how it is for me, and that is okay. She could not save me from what was happening. She could not give me answers. She did walk beside me though. She couldn’t fully comprehend but she knew that it was awful, that it very well might get worse before it got better. She knew she could do nothing for me, but she would be there anyway. This gave me strength. Having allies does that. Even when they can’t fight your battles with you, knowing someone is willing to care and listen is so helpful. Knowing you are not alone is everything. For some reason, this knowing that there wouldn’t be anyone who could understand brought me great comfort. If you are stuck where I was then, know I can never fully understand but I am with you anyway.

Be your own protection.

I stopped looking for someone to understand and give me my answers. I started looking for myself. “Be your own guide”. This is often something I heard. So, that is what I started to do. I started by getting centered and learning to ignore spirit. If the time came that I could no longer avoid it, then it was time to pay attention. I tried to intentionally view situations, and then let them go. I learned to shut down the visions if they were not something I wanted to participate in. I learned I had a choice. I could experience spirit all day, every day. I could interact with spirit the same as I did with the physical world and everyone in it. Learning that I had to choose to remain here and present, that this is where I am meant to be; this was so much more difficult than it should have been. I battled more than my own shadows and personal issues along the way. Those in spirit that wish to promote disharmony are very effective in their efforts. Knowing when they are involved only makes it harder to remain balanced. I had to learn to ignore the “devils” that are far more noticeable to me than any good guys. The good guys tend to stay out of my sight. They don’t demand attention or cause distress. They help silently. They don’t engage. This is infuriating and disheartening sometimes. The reason I get for their lack of intervention is one I can’t refute but I still don’t enjoy. I am always told they have faith that I can handle the situation. That intervention is not required. Still, this brings little solace in moments of terror. I need to embrace that I must learn to stand on my own – because I can. For the record, I despise this lesson.

This struggle took years, not days, or weeks, but years of turmoil and transformation. It is a battle I still fight to some degree. This fight was one to maintain sanity, physical wellness, and spiritual balance. This war I was fighting was something I could not share with the people that surrounded me. I tried, but it wasn’t helpful. All I do is scare people or make them uncomfortable when I share, so I stand alone. This is why I stress the importance of strength of self. Sometimes the only thing we can call on is our own self. If this time comes, having a will that never surrenders is the only thing that allows you to pull yourself out of the void.

When all I could find was chaos and confusion, I had two choices: crumble or create. I crumbled. I laid in the pieces of my very broken self for a while. I wallowed in my despair and cried in a puddle of my own weakness. I didn’t recognize then that I had the power to control it all. My energy was mine to influence and I never harnessed that power. So, after I spent sometimes in pieces, I put myself back together and I created. This is where Out of the Void came from. It is the broken pieces of my chaos slowly being pieced back together and made stronger. All of the information I ever share comes from the moments when I sat with my spirit, picked up those pieces, and make sense of them. When I put them back together, they become part of the stronger self I am creating. The information I share is from my lessons learned. My journey out of the void.

If you see spirit, spirit sees you.

While these “visions” occur, I can see spirit and their influence on the situation. The thing is, if I can see spirit, spirit can see me. The ones who don’t hold malice will usually ignore me. They have something they are doing so they typically go about their business and pay me no mind. Then there are those who acknowledge me. This experience can range from minor deception, intrigue, to terror, but it is pretty standard that if they acknowledge me at all they are providing some form of chaos. Sometimes we need these experiences. Sometimes chaos is required for growth. Each situation is different and again there are no rules or guidelines in determining if what I have seen requires mediation from an outside source. This is why I always say discernment is key. Trust in yourself is imperative here because the level of deception spirit is capable of is beyond measure. Many won’t like that statement. I stand by it just the same. I also stand by my belief in balance. If we are faced with something in spirit that is harmful to us in a way that we can’t overcome just yet on our own, the “opposing” side of spirit will also be available to us to help bring balance. This is why I say to have faith. Sometimes we can’t understand. Sometimes things get very confusing. When this happens, I stop trying to understand and just wait for clarity to come.

When understanding can’t be found faith must take over or fear will.

After the recount of the experience is over, sometimes I will come back and tell the person “Don’t be afraid.” If I say this, it’s probably because someone in spirit behaved in a threatening way towards me when I “investigated the situation.” My experience has shown me that there is a chance, things will get worse before they get better. Something in spirit set off my fear alarm. It isn’t fear for myself because anyone I have found in spirit is likely to stay exactly where they are. Remember, to me fear is an alert. This could be just a tough lesson coming their way, an actual spiritual attack, or dozens of possibilities in between those two options. If I say it, it means that I feel there is reason to fear. It means things can go poorly and we should acknowledge that.

There is great power in fear.

Well, isn’t that all doom and gloom of me to say? I know how it sounds but sometimes there is just cause for fear, but fear is not a problem. To me, fear is a call to action. Fear presents us with three options. We can give in, let it consume us, cripple us, and let it rule our decisions. We can hide from it, pretend it is not happening, and avoid it, and it will influence us without our awareness. Or we can face it. We can look it in the eyes and acknowledge that we must stand firm and dig deeper so that the worst-case scenario doesn’t happen. Fear is when we can become aware that a negative outcome is possible but preventable. This choice is why I insist we don’t pretend fear is not a thing. Fear is very real. It is also very useful. Fear isn’t being incapable of facing an issue. Fear isn’t weakness. When I tell people to not be afraid, I mean it in the sense that they mustn’t give in to the first two options. They must stand tall, and they must acknowledge it. People love to respond to this call to action by saying “Oh, I am not afraid.” I find this frustrating. It means they don’t want to accept the lesson they can learn. It means they are choosing to remain unaware. When I get this response, I want to say, “Well, you should be.”

What is it that can happen?

I do not believe spirit will throw us around the room or make our furniture fly. The damage that can be done is far more significant and personal. The anxiety-inducing panic that can be created from a certain type of spiritual encounter is so tremendous yet only the person experiencing it will likely notice. Spirit is subtle, it can always be found in the “in-between” stuff. The things that make us unsure, inspired, or uncomfortable. The things we can’t quite put our finger on. There are those in spirit who work to exploit this. They use this to their advantage. Exactly like some people would in the physical world. The alienation, the separation, the isolation from all physical support systems is where the damage can begin. It isn’t physical harm I fear, it is the influence and destruction of the internal self that is the place of concern in most cases. It is the minor manipulations that happen when we refuse to be aware. These things cause us to stray from our “true selves”. When this happens people don’t even realize it and often that is completely by choice. When we refuse to acknowledge, we surrender our power. When an issue of spirit is then brought to our awareness, it is so sneaky and so indescribable that our quest to prove our troubles is often what intensifies our feelings of despair. I feel those who reject this idea, this concept of the destruction spirit is capable of, have never encountered or acknowledged it. This is my opinion of course but having faced it enough times, I can’t see another truth.

Perhaps I am just too weak and that is why it has been so difficult. Those who know me well will not align with that notion, but you are welcome to believe anything you want. You can say you hold no fear but even if we don’t acknowledge it, the energy that sets off the fear alarm will be influencing the situation. Increased anxiety, anger, aggression, a lack of patience, these can all be manifestations of spirit working behind the scenes. Yes, they originate in the self, but they are being amplified by something. If we acknowledge it, we can find what it is in us that is being manipulated and we can address it. We can grow. Fear is often a pathway to profound growth – but only if we accept it is there.

The influence spirit has on the physical world is minimal. At least in the way we might think it can interact. If something does not have a physical body, it can’t really behave the same way a physical person would. It isn’t going to be levitating people or throwing dishes. Yes, it can move physical objects but closer to how a gust of wind might behave is what we are talking about. Think things falling as opposed to flying. They can influence people to behave in ways they might not otherwise behave, and they can cause them to do things they do not remember doing. Like, scratch themselves while sleeping or behave irrationally. Being mindful of how you feel, and your own energy is how you can prevent this sort of influence.

Not everything in spirit is scary.

I do not think every spiritual encounter is this way, but I do know that some are. Pretending they don’t happen does a huge favor for those in spirit who cause this brand of chaos. By refuting the existence of the “devils” of the world, we are also providing one of their greatest weapons. When we don’t believe we are fighting them, it is impossible to beat them. I say they are real. The experiences are horrifying. They fill you with a kind of despair that can’t be described. When we encounter this fear, we still have those three choices: crumble, avoid, or face it. We are all equal. Even when we don’t believe we are. When faced with those who seek to destroy one from the inside; those who do this while leaving no trace and no proof, the best weapon we have is our own strength and it is always enough. Standing tall when you are consumed with fear, with no options, no plan, no known backup, this is the definition of courage. This is something we can all do. When I say, “Don’t be afraid”, I am not calling you a coward. I am insisting that when the time comes, you must choose to face it and stand tall. You must choose to harness your strength and grow. When I say, “Don’t be afraid”, there is likely something to learn.

I look forward to the day we all accept spirit without fear of each other.

I hope that one day all people will accept spirit is present and we will discuss the topic freely without the worry of judgment. The comfort, guidance, and healing that can be gained from this practice knows no rival. Those who attend religious services know this to be true. We don’t say grandma is crazy because she participates in Holy Communion. We don’t call the men in white coats on the priest who delivers the “word of God” each Sunday. I believe we all have access to spirit all the time, regardless of the day or location. Embracing that is beautiful. A healthy discussion of spirit is nothing but a positive thing. To do this, I feel we have to accept that just like people are not only filled with good intentions, so too are those in spirit filled with opposing forces. I do not operate under the belief that I or anyone else should only fear spirit. I address this topic before talking about the more positive nature of spirit because when you encounter this aspect of spirit by surprise, it can shake the foundation of who you are. I feel this is not something you want to come across in reality before you think of it in theory. If we accept it is a real possibility, we also take away some of their power. When we have allies, our strength amplifies.

I hold reverence for spirit that I can’t describe. Awe-inspiring fear, passion, and hope are what I feel when I think of spirit. I know we are all equal, but I know that spirit is beyond comprehension. I know we can decide what level of awareness we engage in. I know that spirit’s influence remains even if that awareness is next to none. Everything else is open to individual interpretation.

While I strongly believe that there are things in spirit that can destroy us from within, I also believe there is an energy to match even the greatest evils we can imagine. Spirit can also heal, guide, and protect. Accepting them both and the roles they play; while also knowing that neither side holds power over me, is where I keep my beliefs. The middle ground: respect and acceptance for all is where I try to find the balance between the opposing forces that are ever-present behind the scenes.

There is plenty to fear.

Even the bravest of us hold fear. Balanced fear is not a problem. Fear can be one of the most helpful tools we have when working with spirit and navigating the obstacles of the physical world. Face it, acknowledge it, stand tall, and know you are enough. Learn something. Embracing your own strength, this is one of the best things we can gain from accepting we hold fear. Knowing what opposes us, not knowing if we can prevail, then remaining unmovable while you figure it out; this shows the self exactly what kind of strength you are made of. Knowing our strength allows us to tackle every obstacle with confidence, spirit and physical alike. If we never accept that we are afraid, we can never gain an understanding of our true strength.

Fear doesn’t mean to me what it might mean to others. Fear is nothing more than the awareness that things can go wrong, and we need to pay attention. We must apply our will and harness our strength to influence the situation to achieve the outcome we desire. This to me is the purpose of fear. Fear helps us become aware of our own power. This is one of the greatest benefits of encountering those “devils” that are all too real. The topic should not make us angry or defensive. It should empower us. When you stand in the face of unimaginable fear and you feel as though it will destroy all you are, when you discover that there is nowhere you can run or hide, when you feel the absence of all hope, but you continue to stand; this shows you exactly who you are and everything you are made of. This terror provides the understanding that our will and our word hold more power than we can ever understand. For as frightening as those “devils” are, we can endure, and we can harness a strength that rivals all we are faced with every single time.

We can’t believe only in the “good guys”, it just doesn’t make sense. If there is no bad, how can you know something is good? The opposition is real. Should you ever come face to face with it, don’t crumble. Don’t avoid it. Don’t pretend it isn’t a thing. Face it. Learn something! Connect to your own self, your true power. Stand tall and have faith. The possibilities in spirit are infinite. We can’t know everything. I do know that whatever we face, we are always enough, and we are never alone.


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