OF THE LIGHT 

As we get closer to the darker months of the year where I live, I always find that the connection to spirit grows. As the natural world retreats for winter, there seems to be less energy present – not more, and this allows for better awareness of spirit. This might seem like backward logic to some; but with less energy coming from plants and animals, there is less to get in the way of us and spirit that is always present. In my opinion, it isn’t that spirit is more active in the darker months, it is that we become more aware of what has always been here.

The topic of spirit, in general, is a bit of mystery.

Countless people have had personal experiences, but there is no general consensus, no hard scientific proof. Nothing is black and white, everything is gray. I feel no one can tell you what to believe about spirit, except spirit. I can, however, share my thoughts and if they hit you somewhere that feels right, I think that is great. If my thoughts do not resonate with you, it is more than okay to disregard them.

I have waited a long time to talk about my thoughts on spirit. Not theoretical thoughts but my thoughts based on my own experiences. This is because my experiences are terrifying. I have grown quite used to them so I tend to forget how they might be received by others. Often when people share their inspirational perception of spirit, they do so by talking of positive experiences. This is not what I intend to do because this is not exactly my experience. My inspiration comes from learning to navigate the unavoidable “scary” aspects of interaction with the perceived “evil” one might find in the “spiritual” world.

Why do I encounter so many of the less than pleasant types of spiritual situations? Perhaps I am just a bad soul, maybe I am weak, maybe I just resonate in a place where I am a match for such things, or maybe it is because I am so stubborn and thick headed that I require someone to teach me my lessons in a more aggressive and unavoidable way. Whatever the reason, I want to open up the conversation about spirit and share my thoughts, because the majority of the information I write or share comes directly from my interactions with both “sides” of spirit. I am not looking to prove the existence of spirit or even my perception of it. I believe pretty firmly that spirit will show you proof if that is what you require. At the end of the day, spirit has nothing to prove to us. It doesn’t matter either way if we believe. In fact, many in spirit would prefer we don’t believe they are real. You can take the information I share where you are comfortable, think me crazy or wrong if you like. I promise I won’t take offense. Sometimes when we hear other people’s scary stories, we must dismiss them as fiction because the idea of them being real is overwhelming. I understand this and I accept this. You do what makes you comfortable. You believe what brings you peace.

I feel I have shared enough “foundational” information with my writing up until this point so that anyone who wants a better understanding will have someplace to begin to make sense of it all. The thing to remember is, even with all of my scary stories I still believe in balance. I have faith that for every perceived “evil” there is a “good” to match it. Sometimes the hardest learned lessons are the ones we need the most. Sometimes it takes a scary story to finally get a lesson to sink in. Sometimes “evil” is the only way to learn what you need to learn as a human. My stories challenge the perception of “good” and “evil”. My understanding as of today is that these two seemingly opposing forces often work more closely together than we may realize. While I am not going to be sharing any first-hand accounts today, I want to start to ease into sharing those very real and personal stories. I am not going for shock and awe, so come with me on the journey if you like and share your thoughts along the way.

Early on, before I formulated my own beliefs, I had only what others told me to go by. The idea that things could be “of the light” was something I encountered often. That spirit of a “positive” nature would be white light, bright, positive, and all that goes with this Hollywood idea of the good guy spirit. Certain actions, rituals, practices, beliefs; these things could all be “of the light”. The opposition of course is the devil, right? I struggled with this notion from the start. Something just didn’t sit right with me. I told myself that perhaps it was the idea that white light held every frequency so how could it only be good? That didn’t seem to do it though, there was more. A sort of squinting feeling in my belly. Prior to learning how my own clair-senses manifest, I didn’t know what to make of this feeling. Now I know this is how I pick up on “non-truths”. These are things, thoughts, or situations that are sort of true but incomplete or inaccurate in some way. The idea that either all spirit is positive and good because it’s spirit, or the idea that all things “of the light” would be good for you, is a non-truth in my experience. Perhaps for some people, they must believe this, and spirit wants them to believe this. Maybe the lessons they need require it. I can’t say for sure. I can say that for me these ideas were not simply a little inaccurate, they are absolutely false. Again, this is my experience because there are no facts when it comes to spirit.

Everything is gray. Everything is a matter of perception. 

Some say that if spirit doesn’t make you feel frightened, it must be good. Some believe that if spirit makes you feel good or loved, they must be positive. My experience tells me this can’t be an absolute truth. I have seen the most beautiful, “light”, and loving “spirits” offering me comfort, support, and answers. I also found they held nothing but malice and manipulation behind their actions. Then I have experienced the most frightening and “dark” “spirits” and they did nothing but help me grow. This put a huge monkey wrench in the idea that things that were good for you need to be “of the light”. Good guys can look and feel like anything. Bad guys can look and feel like anything. We need to use our discernment to tell the difference. Our lessons come as we need them. Sometimes a lesson requires someone scary. Sometimes to bring balance, to bring more positive, someone “of the darkness” must be the one to bring what we need. 

Well, obviously I worship the devil, right? No one “of the light” would say such things. I see this logic, and I understand how many will think this. This is another reason why I have held off on speaking of my own experiences and what I have learned of spirit. I worship no one. I feel all beliefs hold merit. I believe there is something beyond my comprehension. Something I can’t put a name or idea to. I have unwavering faith, respect, and fear for this something. Something of both good and bad capable of creating and destroying all we know and experience. I believe in spirit. I believe spirit holds both positive and negative. I believe spirit will always do what needs to be done, even when explanation eludes our perception. I believe there is balance. I believe that I can’t possibly fathom or quantify the depth of spirit. I believe that if you experience enough, you feel inspiration that fills you with immeasurable terror and peace at the same time. Spirit is beyond comprehension.

I try to do what is right. I don’t always succeed, but at the end of the day, I try to align with growth, prosperity, and love for all. I know that sometimes evil must win. I don’t like it, but I know it is required. I also know, that when standing face to face with those “devils”, it is often just you, them, and whatever faith you can muster. You call whoever you like, you can use whatever ritual you see fit, you can recite any prayer, but when push comes to shove, often all you can find is just you and them. A moment of that standoff can feel like a lifetime. The horror you can feel in this experience is something there are just no words for. I say that and I promise this is no exaggeration. The experience of acknowledging that the things of nightmares are real is something that changes who you are forever. Make no mistake, I hold a fear that knows no rival, aside from my faith that there is balance. I have stood paralyzed with trepidation, incapable of doing anything more than just standing – but I stood and continue to stand. In the face of true fear, the only defense is faith.

Hollywood comes close – but doesn’t do it justice.

Movies try to paint a picture for us as to what this might be like. Some come closer than others, but none convey the truth of this scenario as I have experienced it. I think this is because when this topic hits home, it shakes people in a lasting way that is not always positive. Humans don’t typically do well in situations when they can’t gain understanding -when we can’t have control. Still, movies are what most will reference because fiction is the only time we allow ourselves to accept the “devils” are more than just ideas or stories. Spirit is not a topic for full control or understanding. It just never will be. I assure you spirit is real, and just like people, there are both perceived good and bad. If thinking of spirit like a faraway fictitious story is all you are comfortable with, keep it there. There is nothing wrong with that if that is what feels right for you. Now, I say perceived good and bad because our perception at any given moment can change. I can tell you, in the moments when I have been faced with those things of nightmares, I sure did not feel they were there for my good. In the end, I learned something that helped me become who I am today. The experiences were required for me. I had to go through it. I am still here even though I thought for sure I might not survive many of the ordeals. Looking back, that perceived evil, did some good. 

Whose perception measures good or evil?

Who decides what is “of the light”? Is it your favorite Facebook medium? Is it Hollywood? Is it the local church? No. We decide. We decide what is right for us. When we look honestly at our experiences and see the lessons, we gain from even the worst memories we hold, sometimes we see that those evils were a blessing in some ways. Those evils we thought we could not endure were also someone’s idea of good – of what our soul needed. 

What we do with our experiences is everything. Finding balance after an unbalanced experience is always my goal. I can’t be all “of the light”, this is not balance. Sometimes those less than high-frequency moments are what we need. A firm boundary can be seen as a lower frequency. It is denser than no boundary at all. It is a barrier, not flowing but stable. Is this a lower frequency? If we compare a frequency we might connect with spirit at, to the frequency of the physical plane; some might consider the grounded reality to be a lower frequency. Does that mean it is evil? This is an error in our thinking I feel. Low frequencies are not always the issue, it is the intention behind them and how long they linger that is what matters. 

We can’t always judge a book by its cover.

We don’t always seek the intention, we read the energy and if we find no opposition in how it makes us feel, then we assume all is well. If we read the energy and it makes us uncomfortable, we assume it is bad. I ask you though, when does growth come? Does it come when we are comfortable, or does it come when we are uncomfortable? More often than not, it is the great discomforts of the world that bring us change and growth. 

I have read the energy of chaos, turmoil, havoc, fear, and panic in a space and seen the “spirits” to match; only to be told by spirit that I don’t know what lesson is at play. That I must not interfere because the experience is required. That I must have faith and when all is said and done, this will be a positive experience. That was the intention behind what many (myself included) might have thought to be an “issue of spirit”. As it turned out, it was not an issue, but rather a necessary part of someone’s journey. Sometimes, the scary spirits of nightmares are the only ones who can deliver the lesson our soul requires. I know this to be truth. That does not mean I like it. I have lived it and seen it more times than I can count, so for now, I will continue to find the intention, and have faith. So far, this has been the right course of action.    

A little bit of faith goes a long way.

Knowing that there is balance is where I find peace. If the “evil” present is not a “necessary evil” there will always be a “good” to help bring balance back. Those scales tip and sway as we travel our journey. I have seen that there is always someone who is watching the bigger picture. We are not the sum of one experience, we are the sum of all experiences. We don’t know what is to come, we don’t know how many more experiences will be added to our scale. I believe someone somewhere can see the bigger picture. I believe that eventually balance is achieved. So, while I hold a fear that many can’t comprehend, I also hold a faith that allows me to stand in the face of that fear every single time it rises. A faith in spirit that I don’t know as “of the light” because spirit is everything. I know I am a part of it, and I know that I am not alone. I no longer look for spirit to be good or bad. I look for the intention and the lesson. If spirit is interacting with me, odds are I have something to learn. 

Going forward in the coming darker months, perhaps if we became more aware of our own lessons, we might find our own understanding of spirit. The proof of spirit is never going to be in photos or scientific measurement. Proof of spirit is personal, and it is different for everyone. Spirit is an area for faith, not comprehension. The proof will be there if only you take the first step and believe. Just remember good or bad is a matter of perception; not all darkness is detrimental, and not all spirit is “of the light”.